Tuesday, 21 December 2010

1001 sayings...

  1. Birds of a feather flock together and mess on your car.
  2. There's always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don't hurt.
  3. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbour’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
  4. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
  5. Don't assume malice for what stupidity can explain.
  6. A penny saved is a government oversight.
  7. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
  8. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
  9. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
  10. He who hesitates is probably right.
  11. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody.
  12. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  13. The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble.
  14. Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
  15. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open.
  16. I Brake for Tailgaters
  17. Caution, I brake for red lights
  18. Like what you see? Dial: 1-800-YOU-WISH
  19. When I die please bury me upside down so everyone can kiss my a**
  20. Horn broken, watch for finger.
  21. You've been a very bad girl, go to my room.
  22. When I grow up I want to be just like Barbie, that b**** has every thing.
  23. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  24. Always late but worth the wait
  25. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
  26. I love my Country, I fear my Government.
  27. If we quit voting will they all go away?
  28. Millionaire in Training
  29. Ohh not so close, I hardly know you
  30. Spoiled to perfection
  31. Friends don’t let friends, Drive Fords
  32. Never be afraid to try something new. Remember, amateurs built the ark. Professionals built the Titanic
  33. Growing old is mandatory, growing wise is optional
  34. As I said before, I never repeat myself.
  35. A smart husband buys his wife very fine china so she won't trust him to wash it.
  36. A statesman shears the sheep. A politician skins them
  37. A young person knows the rules but the old person knows the exceptions.
  38. FORD's...Fix Or Repair Daily
  39. FORD's...Found On Road Dead
  40. FORD's...F'ing On Road Disaster
  41. Earth first, we'll strip mine the other planets later.
  42. Surgeon Generals Warning: television promotes illiteracy
  43. Piss off a liberal, buy a gun
  44. I'm not deaf, I'm ignoring you
  45. Annoy the media, re-elect Bush
  46. UFOs are real, the Air Force doesn't exist
  47. I accelerate for attorneys
  48. If you can read this, I've lost my caravan.
  49. Go ahead and honk, I'm reloading!
  50. If you don't like the way I dive, get off the sidewalk.
  51. Vote Democratic...it's much easier than getting a job
  52. It’s easier to vote republican than to get an education
  53. Be alert! The world needs more lerts.
  54. No!! Be aloof - we have enough lerts!
  55. If you can read this, I've lost my caravan.
  56. Veni, Vidi, Visa: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.
  57. Veni, Vidi, Video: I came, I saw, I got it on tape.
  58. Veni, Vidi, Velcro: I came, I saw, I stuck around.
  59. Veni, Vidi, VD: I came, I saw, I cankered.
  60. Veni, Vidi, Icky: I came, I saw, I felt sick.
  61. Veni, Vidi, Vicky: I came, I saw, I got a talk show.
  62. Kids in the back seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  63. This car will explode upon impact.
  64. Jesus is coming, look busy!
  65. I've found Jesus - he's in my trunk!
  66. Make love not war - see driver for details!
  67. I killed Kenny!
  68. Traffic wardens eat their young.
  69. I love my wife - and for $25 you can too.
  70. Born again pagan!
  71. Gone crazy - back in 10 minutes
  72. Money is the route to all evil - send $10 for more info!
  73. Honk if the twins fall out.
  74. Minimum wage for politicians
  75. Madness takes its toll - Please have exact change
  76. Today is the day for decisive action.... or is it?
  77. 10,000 sperm and you were the fastest?
  78. Mafia staff car
  79. Give blood - play rugby.
  80. Diarrhoea is hereditary - it runs in your genes.
  81. To all you virgins - Thanks for nothing!
  82. OK, so God made Heaven and Earth. But what has he done recently?
  83. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation
  84. Eat a prune and start a movement.
  85. Welcome to Utah! Set your watch back 20 years.
  86. Pigs may fly but this one drives.
  87. Procrastinate now!
  88. I took an IQ test - it came back negative
  89. My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her or something like that
  90. Now that you're on my ass, you wanna get married?
  91. It's not pretty being easy
  92. Viagra - the gift that keeps on coming
  93. OK, who's been messing with my anti-paranoia medication?
  94. That's not a haircut - it's a cry for help
  95. Feel safe tonight - sleep with a cop
  96. My other wife is beautiful
  97. I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac
  98. I suffer from a sexually transmitted disease - children
  99. I'm not in heat so get off my tail
  100. When the going gets tough, the tough go shopping
  101. Madam welcome to the palindrome
  102. Take an interest in your husband's activities - hire a detective
  103. Ssssh The driver is sleeping
  104. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out
  105. Practice safe sex - go screw yourself
  106. Forget the Joneses, I can't keep up with the Simpson's
  107. Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister
  108. There's no future in time travel
  109. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states
  110. Deja vu the feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in head like this before
  111. Half the people you know are below average
  112. My kid got inmate of the month award at the county jail
  113. I plan to live forever - so far so good
  114. Trust in God-but lock your car
  115. Marriage isn't a word - it's a sentence
  116. I'm pink, therefore I'm Spam
  117. Corduroy pillows - they're making headlines!
  118. Photons have mass, I didn't know they were Catholic
  119. Hypochondria is the one disease I haven't got
  120. Air pollution is a mist-demeanour
  121. People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do
  122. If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut
  123. Preserve nature - pickle a squirrel
  124. Say no to shampoo - demand real poo
  125. Prevent interbreeding - ban country music
  126. Please tell your pants it's not polite to point
  127. To err is human, to forgive is against company policy
  128. Save the whales - collect the whole set
  129. I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
  130. Wear short sleeves - support your right to bare arms
  131. Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most
  132. Heck was created for those who refuse to believe in Gosh
  133. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather not screaming and yelling like the passengers on his bus.
  134. Too close for missiles, switching to guns
  135. Skydiving - good till the last drop
  136. If that phone was up your ass, maybe you could drive better
  137. I still miss my ex but my aim is getting better
  138. To err is human, to moo bovine
  139. I didn't believe in reincarnation in the last life, why should I in this?
  140. Gun control means using both hands
  141. Good cowgirls keep their calves together
  142. A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy
  143. What rear-view mirror?
  144. If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic
  145. The earth is full - Go home!
  146. I bet you I could stop gambling
  147. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke
  148. Very funny Scotty, Now beam down my clothes
  149. Out of my mind - back in five minutes
  150. This car protected by Smith and Wesson
  151. Caution! Driver applying make-up
  152. If it's not one thing, it's your mother
  153. I'm not a complete idiot - some parts are missing
  154. Five out of four people have trouble with fractions
  155. The face is familiar but I can't quite remember my name
  156. He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit.
  157. I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it
  158. Ex-wife in trunk
  159. If you lived in a car, you'd be home by now
  160. I wouldn't touch the metric system with a 3.048 metre pole
  161. Ask not what you can do for me - just do it!
  162. Never mind the dog - Beware of owner!
  163. I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person
  164. Go ahead and hit me I need the money
  165. My wife's other car is a broom
  166. Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route
  167. You! Out of the gene pool!
  168. I fought the lawn and the lawn won
  169. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded
  170. My karma ran over your dogma
  171. I tried to daydream but my mind kept wandering
  172. Evacuate the road - student driving!
  173. Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
  174. Honk once if you're Jesus - twice if you're Elvis
  175. Incontinence hotline Can you hold. Please?
  176. If it's too loud, you're too old
  177. It's been lovely, but I have to scream now
  178. I haven't lost my mind - it's backed up on disk somewhere
  179. I'm straight don't rear end me
  180. Grow your own dope plant a man
  181. Fight crime shoot back
  182. I get enough exercise just pushing my luck
  183. If you think I'm a lousy driver, wait till you see me putt
  184. Don't kiss me off, I'm running out of places to hide the bodies
  185. Wanted meaningful overnight relationship
  186. I is a college student
  187. Get even - live long enough to be a problem to your children
  188. Necrophilia - that uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one
  189. Conserve trees - eat a beaver
  190. Lead me not into temptation -I can find it myself
  191. Boldly going nowhere
  192. Cover me I'm changing lanes
  193. All men are animals - some just make better pets
  194. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no
  195. Born free taxed to death
  196. Don't be sexist - broads hate that
  197. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory
  198. I brake for no apparent reason
  199. Beauty is only skin deep Ugly goes straight to the bone
  200. Disney World - a people trap operated by a mouse
  201. When you do a good deed, get a receipt in case heaven is like the IRS
  202. I got this motor home for my wife - best deal I ever made
  203. All things being equal, fat people use more soap
  204. A man with worms is never alone
  205. Sex on TV can't hurt unless you fall off
  206. Heart attacks - God's revenge for eating his animal friends
  207. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
  208. Don't take my signals literally
  209. Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down
  210. Spell-checkers are hear two stay
  211. Take me drunk occifer, I'm home
  212. How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost'?
  213. We are the people your parents warned you about
  214. Stop repeat offenders - don't re-elect them'
  215. My mother was a travel agent for guilt trips
  216. Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art
  217. So you're a feminist Isn't that cute?
  218. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
  219. Husbands are proof that women have a sense of humour
  220. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, riddle them with bullets
  221. I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables
  222. Always remember - you're unique, just like everyone else
  223. I love cats - they taste just like chicken
  224. A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house
  225. My brain just hit a bad sector
  226. Hug your kids at home and belt them in the car
  227. I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar
  228. Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch
  229. I have PMS and a handgun. Any questions?
  230. Forget about world peace - visualize using your turn signal
  231. We're staying together for the sake of our web site
  232. I brake for hallucinations
  233. Alcohol and calculus don't mix Don't Drink and Derive
  234. I'm not a vegetarian because I love animals, but because I hate plants
  235. Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD
  236. Earn cash in your spare time - blackmail friends
  237. Drive defensively-buy a tank
  238. It's lonely at the top. but you eat better
  239. Spare the fenders, save the trees, give your sober friend the keys
  240. Give a man in inch and he thinks he's a ruler
  241. Niagara Falls and Viagra Rises
  242. She was only a moonshiner but I loved her still
  243. Join the army, meet interesting people, kill them
  244. Use caution in passing - driver chewing tobacco
  245. Never, never, never, never repeat
  246. My mother-in-law's web site is http://www.realwitch.com
  247. Lost your cat? Look under my tyres
  248. Born again voodooist
  249. On the other hand, you have different fingers
  250. Don't honk - I'm pedalling as fast as I can
  251. Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener
  252. Warning I have an attitude and I know how to use it
  253. If the voices in my head paid rent, I wouldn't be broke
  254. Mean people suck - nice people swallow
  255. Next mood swing six minutes
  256. The sex was so good that even the neighbours had a cigarette
  257. If God had intended man to smoke, he would have set him on fire.
  258. Monday is a hell of a way to spend one-seventh of your life
  259. Do Not Wash - this vehicle is undergoing a scientific dirt test
  260. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  261. I hate everybody and you're next
  262. I used to be schizophrenic, but we're OK now
  263. We're staying together for the sake of the cats
  264. This car is like my husband - if it isn't yours don't touch it'
  265. Money can't buy love But it can rent a very close imitation
  266. Dyslexics of the world UNTIE'
  267. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups
  268. Kinky is using a feather perverted is using the whole chicken
  269. Animal testing is a terrible idea - they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
  270. Avoid clichés like the plague
  271. Never hit a man with glasses - use your fist
  272. Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines
  273. The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes
  274. The nurse who can smile when things go wrong is probably going off duty
  275. Never raise your hand to your kids - it leaves your groin unprotected
  276. Nonconformists are all alike
  277. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement
  278. Never try to out-stubborn a cat
  279. It's far easier to forgive an enemy after you've got even with him
  280. If guys had periods, they'd brag about the size of their tampons
  281. It's bad luck to be superstitious
  282. Be nice to your kids - they'll choose your nursing home
  283. A chip on the shoulder is an indication of wood higher up
  284. All generalizations are false
  285. Co-operation can only be reached if we work together
  286. If everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane
  287. The best way to change someone's mind is with a machete
  288. An oral contract isn't worth the paper it's written on
  289. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with
  290. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
  291. The best way to serve cabbage is to someone else
  292. People would give their right arm to be ambidextrous
  293. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory
  294. If you want your wife to pay undivided attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep
  295. Most accidents happen at home - and the men have to eat them
  296. Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep till noon
  297. You're never alone with schizophrenia
  298. Practice safe eating use condiments
  299. Rehab is for quitters
  300. A day without sunshine is like night
  301. Do not argue with a spouse who is packing your parachute
  302. Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway
  303. Bigamy is having one wife too many. Some say monogamy is the same
  304. The world's full of apathy, but so what?
  305. The best way to keep your kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere, and let the air out of their tyres
  306. Beat the five o'clock rush - leave work at noon
  307. Always use tasteful words - you may have to eat them
  308. I have this nagging fear that everyone is out to make me paranoid
  309. A good woman is like a good bar - liquor in the front and poker in the rear.
  310. The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes
  311. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom
  312. Always talk to your wife while making love - if there's a phone handy
  313. Don't be afraid of pressure. Remember that pressure is what turns a lump of coal into a diamond
  314. A tidy desk is a sign of an untidy desk drawer
  315. If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten
  316. Procrastination means never having to say you're sorry.
  317. Sex is like air-it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
  318. Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
  319. A beer in the hand is worth two in the fridge.
  320. It's only kinky the first time.
  321. Never moon a werewolf.
  322. Kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken.
  323. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
  324. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may cancel your VISA.
  325. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
  326. No radio. Already stolen.
  327. Marriage is a three-ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
  328. If love is a dream, then marriage is an alarm clock.
  329. Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
  330. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
  331. A fool and his money are soon partying.
  332. Your temper is one of the few things that improves the longer you keep it.
  333. Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. The answer is "yes".
  334. Work is for people who don't know how to fish.
  335. Work is a fine thing if it doesn't take up too much of your spare time.
  336. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience.
  337. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  338. The man who gives in when he is wrong is wise. The man who gives in when he is right is married.
  339. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad cheque.
  340. It's not an optical illusion, it just looks that way.
  341. Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defence.
  342. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  343. It's not whether you win or lose, but where you place the blame.
  344. Love thy neighbour, but make sure her husband is away first.
  345. Constipated people don't give a shit!
  346. Hard work has a future payoff, but laziness pays off now.
  347. If you can't laugh at yourself, make fun of other people.
  348. Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  349. Twenty-four hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
  350. If you feel the world is moving too fast, take comfort from the queue for the supermarket checkout
  351. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried
  352. Cloning is the sincerest form of flattery
  353. Sure, you can't take it with you - but you can hide it where no other person can find it
  354. The bigger they are, the harder they hit
  355. If the Lord had wanted us to use the metric system, there would have been ten apostles
  356. Be careful - the toes you step on today may be connected to the ass you have to kiss tomorrow
  357. Some people say I'm superficial, but that's just on the surface
  358. A student who changes the course of history is probably taking an exam
  359. Prejudiced people are all alike
  360. A bird in the hand is safer than one overhead
  361. Nobody's ugly after 2 a m
  362. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue
  363. There are two sides to every story the book and the movie
  364. If there's one thing I can't stand, it's intolerance
  365. Drink until she's cute, but stop before the wedding
  366. Perspective is in the eye of the beholder
  367. Golf scores are directly proportional to the number of witnesses
  368. Getting married is like buying a dishwasher You'll never need to do it by hand again
  369. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving probably isn't for you
  370. The severity of the itch is directly proportional to the reach
  371. Suicide is a way of telling God, "You can't fire me-I quit'"
  372. There's no such thing as non-existent
  373. Given a conflict, Murphy's Law supersedes Newton's
  374. It's not hard to meet expenses - they're everywhere'
  375. When a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 a minute
  376. If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments
  377. If you aren't part of the solution, you're a precipitate
  378. Where there's a will, make sure you're in it
  379. A single fact can ruin a good argument
  380. Before criticizing people, walk a mile in their shoes. Then when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away and you'll have their shoes
  381. A penny for some people's thoughts is still a fair price
  382. On the other hand, the early worm gets eaten
  383. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  384. Clones are people two.
  385. The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  386. Always be on the lookout for conspicuity
  387. Blessed are those who have nothing to say and who cannot be persuaded to say it
  388. Talk is cheap - until lawyers get involved
  389. If tomorrow never comes, then you're dead
  390. Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you're really sick. Then you should ring 999, (911 in America)
  391. A good pun is its own reword Don't judge a book by its movie
  392. Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back
  393. The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement
  394. Smile - it makes people wonder what you're thinking
  395. If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague
  396. Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved
  397. It's sad how whole people get torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs
  398. When you're run down, the best thing to take is the licence number
  399. A bird in the hand makes blowing your nose difficult
  400. Death is nature's way of saying "slow down"
  401. Cowboy philosophy always drink upstream from the herd
  402. Condoms are easier to change than nappies
  403. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo
  404. Money can't buy everything - that's what credit cards are for
  405. The best way to keep the wolf from the door is to leave a sheep in the garden
  406. God made pot Man made beer. Who do you trust?
  407. Eat a live toad first thing in the morning. That way, nothing worse can happen to you for the rest of the day
  408. If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts
  409. Drilling for oil is boring
  410. All that glitters has a high refractive index
  411. If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around
  412. There is no such thing as absolute truth. This is absolutely true
  413. Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician
  414. Money is the root of all wealth
  415. The road to success is always under construction
  416. One good turn gets most of the blankets
  417. The pen is mightier than the sword, and a lot easier to write with.
  418. You're not playing with a full deck, are you?
  419. If you can't stand the heat, get a pool
  420. Don't count your chickens, cook them.
  421. A watched pot never....disappears
  422. You're not the sharpest knife in the box
  423. Don't bite the hand that hasn't been washed.
  424. The pen is mightier than the sheep
  425. Two's company. Three's...the Musketeers.
  426. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you wet your face.
  427. You're not the brightest bulb on the tree
  428. If you lie down with dogs, you'll stink in the morning.
  429. Chicken - A creature you eat before it's born and after it's dead
  430. Time and tide wait for no man. But time always stands still for a woman of 39.
  431. Old age isn't so bad when you consider the alternative
  432. Obesity is widespread
  433. I went to a fight last week, and an ice hockey game broke out.
  434. If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
  435. I suffer from amnesia, do I come here often?
  436. I don't date outside my species.
  437. Any connection between your reality and mine is completely coincidental.
  438. Confucious says, man who fart in church sit on own pew.
  439. Confucious says, man who drive like hell bound to get there.
  440. Confucious says, man who go to bed with hard problem, wake up with solution in hand.
  441. Confucious says, man who go to bed with itchy bum, wake up with smelly finger.
  442. Confucious says, he who sleep on bed of nails is holy.
  443. Confucious says, he who eat too many prunes, sit on toilet many moons.
  444. Confucious says, man who sit on tack, bound to get point.
  445. Confucious says, man who place head in sand, will get kicked in the end.
  446. Confucious says, man who keep feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting trousers on.
  447. Confucious says, man who live in glass house should change in basement.
  448. Confucious says, man with only one chopstick go hungry.
  449. Confucious says, man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night.
  450. Bartenders do it on the rocks
  451. Cheese makers do it Caerphilly
  452. DJ's do it on request
  453. English cricketers are in and out
  454. Firemen do it with a big hose
  455. Glider pilots stay up longer
  456. Lawyers do it in their briefs
  457. Miners do it with the light on
  458. Mountaineers like to be on top
  459. Pizza delivery men come in 30 minutes, or it's free
  460. Shot-putters do it on one leg
  461. Workmen with special hats have super-visors.
  462. I see you've been swimming in th488. Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.
  463. This is not an abandoned vehicle.
  464. It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.
  465. Beautify Texas. Put a Yankee on a bus.
  466. Welcome to Texas, now go home.
  467. If you don't like the news, go out and make some of your own.
  468. My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.
  469. When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case heaven is like the IRS).
  470. My honor student fired your stupid kid.
  471. Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
  472. Beer isn't just for breakfast any more.
  473. Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the back of a milk carton.
  474. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
  475. Don't steal. The government hates competition.
  476. Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
  477. Is there life before coffee?
  478. Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.
  479. Die Yuppie Scum.
  480. Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
  481. Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.
  482. Crazy people are always taking the psycho path.
  483. Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.
  484. Friends don't let friends drive naked.
  485. Save California; when you leave take someone with you.
  486. There's one in every crowd and they always find me.
  487. If money could talk, it would say goodbye.
  488. If it's too loud, you're too old.
  489. Wink. I'll do the rest.
  490. Who cares who's on board?
  491. I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight!
  492. Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it.
  493. Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.
  494. Honk if you love cheeses.
  495. Bill Stickers is innocent!
  496. The first household lubricant was caster oil.
  497. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
  498. So many pedestrians, so little time.
  499. Honk if you're illiterate
  500. If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will accidentally shoot their children
  501. My kid can beat up you543. For insomnia move to the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.
  502. Old burglars never die, they just steal away.
  503. Inventors have their own devices.
  504. Old gardeners never die, they just vegetate.
  505. Taxidermists really know their stuff.
  506. If a town's people have low IQs, is the population dense?
  507. California is the land of earthquakes and suntans, in short, shake and bake.
  508. I've run out of sick days, so I am calling in dead
  509. Thank God for the IRS. Without them I'd be stinking rich!
  510. If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  511. Nonconformists are all alike.
  512. Hit me, I need money
  513. Tact is the art of making guests feel at home when that's where you wish they were.
  514. The kids drive me crazy, I drive them everywhere
  515. Honk if you don't give a darn
  516. Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?
  517. I didn't work my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables
  518. Why am I the only person on earth that knows how to drive?
  519. Normal people worry me
  520. Don't drink and drive--if you hit a bump you spill
  521. CAUTION: Driver Singing
  522. There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
  523. Support mental health or I’ll kill you
  524. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  525. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
  526. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.
  527. Few women admit their age, few men act it
  528. Love: Two vowels, two consonants, two fools!
  529. According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist
  530. Some people are alive only because it is illegal to kill them
  531. Pride is what we have, vanity is what others have.
  532. We have enough youth, how about a fountain of smart?
  533. End racism...kill everyone
  534. If you can read this, you’re to close. (Written in brail)
  535. A man is not truly drunk until he can't lie on the floor without holding on
  536. If you can read this, you're in phaser range
  537. Driver carries only $20 worth of ammunition
  538. If we weren't meant to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  539. Indians discoveree. You Will Be assimilated.
  540. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools
  541. I'm out of bed and dressed, what more do you want?
  542. I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
  543. If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
  544. Lobotomies for Democrats: It's the law.
  545. Bad Cop! No donut!
  546. Where are we going and why am I in this hand basket?
  547. Back up my Hard Drive? How do I put it in reverse?
  548. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
  549. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  550. He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
  551. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.
  552. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  553. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
  554. Honk if you love peace and quiet.
  555. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
  556. If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
  557. Telepath wanted: you know where to apply
  558. I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
  559. Hang up and drive.
  560. Ask me about micro-waving cats for fun and profit.
  561. I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.
  562. I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
  563. I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
  564. I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.
  565. Ever notice that anyone driving slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
  566. You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day, when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
  567. I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
  568. They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.
  569. Heaven doesn't want me, and hell is afraid I'll take over
  570. Geez if you believe in honkus.
  571. God, please protect me from your followers
  572. God is living in Canada and doesn't want to get involved!
  573. Do I look like a Haemorrhoid? Then get off my ass
  574. My other wife is beautiful.
  575. Never fight ugly people they have nothing to loose
  576. Body by Nautilus; brain by Mattel
  577. Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all of it's students.
  578. The worst day fishing is better than the best day working.
  579. My kid had sex with your honor student.
  580. Support your local undertaker - DROP DEAD!
  581. Archeologists will date any old thing
  582. Please don't tell my Mama that I work on an oil rig... She thinks I'm a piano player in a brothel.
  583. U.S. MARINE CORPS.--Everything destroyed in 30 min. or the next one's free!
  584. Support a Lawyer - Become a Doctor
  585. Dole for Pineapple, Not for President
  586. Honk if you've been groped by Clinton
  587. The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful.
  588. Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats.
  589. Cynics are people who know the price of everything and the value of nothing.
  590. They say you can't take it with you... But they also can't come and get it!
  591. I'd rather be over the hill than under it
  592. Hug your kids at home-belt them in the car!
  593. Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie"…till you can find a rock.
  594. Let me tell you about my bowel movements.
  595. If you are not the lead truck, the scenery never changes.
  596. If I roll up my windows and lock the doors, its because you smell horrible
  597. Compost happens
  598. I'm pro choice. I choose to hunt, trap, eat meat and wear fur.
  599. Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off.
  600. The light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train.
  601. Just visiting this planet
  602. Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water.
  603. DAM: Mothers Against Dyslexia
  604. DNA: National Dyslexic Association
  605. Dyslexics of the world... UNTIE!!
  606. I will never put off 'till tomorrow what I can forget about forever
  607. Do not meddle in the affairs of Dragons for you are crunchy and good with ketchup.
  608. Where There's A Whip, There's A Way.
  609. I do everything my Rice Krispies tell me to do.
  610. Stop continental drift!
  611. I hate coffee--It keeps me awake at work.
  612. I want to make love in the worst way--standing up in a canoe
  613. Help end poverty - Eat the poor
  614. The more people I know, the more I love my dog.
  615. The best way to change someone's mind is with a rock
  616. Anyone can give up smoking, but it takes a real man to face cancer.
  617. If you must burn our flag762. Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
  618. Daddy, why doesn't this magnet pick up this floppy disk?
  619. Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  620. Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.
  621. I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.
  622. Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  623. C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.
  624. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice.
  625. ...Every morning is the dawn of a new error...
  626. For people who like peace and quiet: a phoneless cord.
  627. I can see clearly now, the brain is gone...
  628. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
  629. Mental Floss prevents Moral Decay.
  630. There cannot be a crisis today; my schedule is already full.
  631. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
  632. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.
  633. I don't have a solution but I admire the problem.
  634. Don't be so open-minded your brains fall out.
  635. Diplomacy - the art of letting someone have your way.
  636. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
  637. If things get any worse, I'll have to ask you to stop helping me.
  638. If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
  639. Don't look back, they might be gaining on you.
  640. Budget: A method for going broke methodically.
  641. Car service: If it ain't broke, we'll break it.
  642. Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
  643. Demons are a Ghouls best Friend.
  644. What has four legs and an arm? A happy pit bull.
  645. Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.
  646. Buy a Pentium 586/90 so you can reboot faster.
  647. Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.
  648. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.
  649. The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.
  650. Access denied--nah nah na nah nah!
  651. C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
  652. ... File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
  653. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  654. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
  655. Bad commanse from the inside out.
  656. The sun never sets on the British Empire. But it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
  657. I eat Swiss cheese, but I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
  658. The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.
  659. I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
  660. I washed a sock. Then I put it in a dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
  661. The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
  662. I took lessons in bicycle riding, but I could afford only half the lessons. Now I can ride a unicycle.
  663. If you look like the photo on your driver's license, you aren't well enough to drive.
  664. If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?
  665. Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.
  666. They told me I was gullible...and I believed them.
  667. The chance that you'll forget something is directly proportional to.....to....ah.....
  668. Until you walk a mile in another man's moccasins, you can't imagine the smell.
  669. Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
  670. One nice thing about egoists: They don't talk about other people.
  671. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle.
  672. Why does a cowboy have two spurs? If one side of the horse goes, so does the other.
  673. If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then Congress is the opposite of progress.
  674. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
  675. If our knees bent the other way, what would a chair look like?
  676. If a man has a mid-life crises while playing hide & seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?
  677. Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?
  678. Is there another word for synonym?
  679. When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their picket signs?
  680. When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?
  681. Why isn't there m860. 87% of all statistics are made up on the spot
  682. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
  683. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
  684. If at first you don't succeed, failure may be your style.
  685. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
  686. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.
  687. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
  688. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
  689. The voices told me to stay at home and clean my guns
  690. Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.
  691. What a tangled World Wide Web we weave
  692. Why have a six-pack when you can have a barrel
  693. Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.
  694. Honk if you've never seen an Uzi fired from a car window.
  695. I'd rather be pushed in a Chevy than driven in a Ford.
  696. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
  697. If your ship hasn't come in...Swim out to it!
  698. I fish! Therefore, I lie.
  699. I swerve for cats.
  700. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
  701. ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car....
  702. (They were screaming "Stop reading that insanely long bumper sticker and watch the road!!!")
  703. Have you ever noticed how nothing is impossible for those who don't have to do it?
  704. When in danger, or in doubt, run in circles, scream and shout.
  705. I think your hard drive has a slipped disk.
  706. Clinton happens!
  707. Inflation is when the buck doesn't stop anywhere.
  708. I just let my mind wander, and it didn't come back.
  709. I can only please one person a day, and today ain't your day... (tomorrow ain't looking good either).
  710. National Atheist's Day April 1
  711. I can handle pain until it hurts.
  712. I'm objective; I object to everything.
  713. Gravity is a myth. The Earth sucks.
  714. No matter where you go, you're there.
  715. Time flies when you doNobody.
  716. Ask me about my vow of silence.
  717. Today's subliminal message is: ( )
  718. My other vehicle is a Romulan Warbird!
  719. I brake for…wait…AAARRGGGH!…NO BRAKES!!!!!
  720. A fool and his money are a girl's best friend.
  721. I'm not driving fast, just flying low.
  722. Help starve a feeding bureaucrat.
  723. If ignorance is bliss, then tourists are in a constant state of euphoria.
  724. If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
  725. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
  726. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
  727. All those who believe in psycho kinesis raise my hand.
  728. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
  729. Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.
  730. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  731. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity.
  732. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
  733. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
  734. Incoming fire has the right of way.
  735. The easy way is always mined.
  736. Try to look unimportant, they may be low on ammo.
  737. Professionals are predictable, it's the amateurs that are dangerous.
  738. The enemy invariably attacks on two occasions: a. When you're ready for them, and, b. When you're not ready for them.
  739. Teamwork is essential, it gives them someone else to shoot at.
  740. If you can't remember, then the claymore is pointed at you.
  741. If your attack is going well, you have walked into an ambush.
  742. Never draw fire, it irritates everyone around you.
  743. Never forget that the lowest bidder makes your weapon.
  744. Friendly fire isn't.
  745. Never stand when you can sit, never sit when you can lie down, never stay awake when you can sleep.
  746. A grenade with a seven second fuse will always burn down in four seconds.
  747. If at first you don't succeed call in an air strike.
  748. Eat well, stay fit, and die anyway.
  749. Cats flattened while you watch.
  750. If there is a tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  751. Whatever!
  752. Places to go, more people to annoy.
  753. Honk! If you want to see my finger.
  754. I hope life isn't just a big joke, because I don't get it.
  755. Why? 'Cause I can.
  756. The Government can support as many poor people as it's willing to create.
  757. When I get old, I'll966. This isn't Burger King, you can't have it your way.
  758. There's too much blood in my alcohol system.
  759. The only person who ever got everything done by Friday was Robinson Crusoe.
  760. I WANT YOU...to stay far, far away from me.
  761. Blah, blah, blah!
  762. If you have something to say, raise your hand....and place it over your mouth.
  763. Take my advice, I'm not using it.
  764. Never judge a girl by her bumper sticker.
  765. Eliminate and abolish redundancy
  766. Does dark have a speed too?
  767. What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?
  768. Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber at the weekend.
  769. The 2 rules for success: 1. Never tell all you know.
  770. Samuel Colt, inventor of the point-and-click interface.
  771. The right side of the brain is for loading and unloading only.
  772. Feeling like road kill on the Information Superhighway?
  773. If at first you don't succeed, you must be installing Windows.
  774. Waaaaaaaazzzzzzuuup?
  775. If you think pushing 40 is hard, wait till you start dragging it.
  776. If I knew I'd live this long, I'd have take better care of myself.
  777. Opportunity only knocks once, but temptation leans on the doorbell.
  778. If it can't fit on a bumper sticker, it's not a philosophy.
  779. One Tequila, two Tequila, three Kateela, floor!
  780. Your village called, they're missing an idiot!
  781. Handguns don't kill people...nearly as well as automatic assault weapons do.
  782. Some people without brains do an awful lot of talking, don't they?
  783. Meat is dead
  784. Stop animal experiments...use lawyers.
  785. A little bit of rich can cover up a whole lot of stupid.
  786. I kept reading that junk food is unhealthy, so I gave up reading.
  787. If we can put a man on the moon, why not all of them?
  788. Women...can't live with 'em...can't kill 'em!
  789. Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. And then some bozo had to go and invent space travel.
  790. Just another crazy Earthling
  791. NO, I haven't met Mr. Right. But I have met Mr. Rude, Mr. Cheap and Mr. Cocky.
  792. I think, therefore I'm single.

No comments:

Post a Comment